I've always known I was a tad bit off. Just not like this. Ever since I was a little girl, I've had a really vivid imagination and very rarely, dreams that I would forget when I woke only to remember them again when I'm doing exactly what I'd dreamt of. I don't claim clairvoyance nor am I any kind of psychic. Shit's just got way too creepy lately.
As many of you know, I am enamoured with the Phoenix. Have been since I was a little girl. It is my heritage, it is my family, my way of life. All my life, I've only known the basics: the Phoenix is the Fire Bird, the symbol of rebirth and reincarnation. It is in Greek mythology and every 500/1000 years it would build a pyre and set itself on fire to be born anew for the ashes. To me, the Phoenix is on my family's coat of arms and its visage is tattooed on my back. Prompted by a series of odd coincidences, I did a little extra research.
Original tales of the Phoenix tell of how its plumage was purple red. (i.e. purple with red or Fuchsia [fuchsia and phoenix both have the same Greek bases meaning purple-red])
It originates from the Middle East. (It travels around those areas, going as far as Greece and Egypt)
It could become a person.
Before I get into how that creeps me out or why, let me explain the events leading up to why I decided to do the research. So again, I've always had some odd dreams, some that would later occur in my waking life. A few weeks ago, I thought I found the House. I spoke if this house in the last installment of the ICs. When I saw what I think might be the House up in the city, my heart began to race and I felt sick. I couldn't take my eyes off of it as we drove past. Four stories surrounded by trees. I haven't seen it since. I don't think I could find it again if I tried to.
Then, less than a week later, I'm with some friends and we drive back up to the city; to drop off a friend of theirs at his house. It isn't until I get a good look at the side of the house that I feel sick again. I recognize this house. Years ago, I had a dream about this house. About the gravel driveway with its steep downward slope, the dark presence looking for me, and the large concrete drainage tunnel in the backyard, littered with children's Easter eggs. Horrified, I mention that I recognize the house and why. I didn't leave the car at all, not even to say hello to the man's five year old daughter as he brought her outside to say hello to my friends. I begged one of them to not ask about the backyard. He did anyway. Yes, there is a large drainage tunnel in the backyard. I've never been to that house before in my life.
Now very recently, I've been having dreams of the Greek gods and of a young man, who is around my age, named Argopilaetes. Pronounced ar-go-pi-late-ees. His name does not exist anywhere else. I've tried Google, Bing, etc. I can't find anything. However, the same was true when I was a little girl and had a dream about the word RECISION carved on the inside of my left arm as another woman in the dream yelled Reincarnation. I could't find anything online or in dictionaries for years until I was in high school. Reincarnation essentially means rebirth and Recision means abortion or cancellation. I may find out years later who Argopilaetes is. However, in my dreams he is the son of Zeus and he is dying. Usually a dream like this wouldn't bother me. Unfortunately, dreams of the gods and of the boy keep occurring, never the same dreams though. This is odd for me. The only dreams I've ever had reoccur are the ones of the House. The ones of Chrystian/ Kamon.
To add to the weirdness, there are no interpretations for dreams of Greek gods. I know they're just dreams, but they keep happening and often I use dream interpretations to give me an idea of why I may be having the dreams. For this there are none. To make matters worse. The day after the first dream, I ran across and bought a new book. By this time I had completely forgotten the first dream and disregarded it entirely. The book is Enslaved by Elisabeth Naughton. It is about a group of guardians chosen by Zeus to defend the humans from demons. It delves heavily into Greek mythology and of the Gods. Particularly the children of Zeus.
Still, by this point I'm not entirely creeped out yet. I've always been a fan of mythology. I am almost an expert in regards to fairy/faerie folklore as it is. My belief in those beings is by far stronger than any belief I may have in a god/gods. So in pursuit of more knowledge, I do some research on some of the myths that are present in the book. About Melinoe, the Horae, etc. This is where my brain tells me to look up another Greek myth, the Phoenix. Now I'm losing my marbles.
As aforementioned, just like with the odd dreams that occur in my day life, I've always had a real vivid imagination. Although I had no imaginary friends growing up, I did daydream about my life in other worlds, fantastic places where magic was real and I could be everything I'm not in real life. I've done this all my life. As I got older, I quit acting them out with my childhood friends and began to listen to music and pace in my room, daydreaming. Often times I would write books about these fantasies. Only one has ever been finished, not published. I always let my imagination take me somewhere else, morph the worlds anew, the old story finished but not forgotten. Who I was in my fantasies always changed, grew and grew more powerful. The most recent and longest running daydreams have been of the Phoenix. How I'm the Phoenix.
This isn't true in anyway. At least I hope not. The fantasy is nice but I'd prefer to keep it that way. A fantasy. But as I've said before my life has gotten awful creepy and this research made me sick and afraid and I feel crazy. Clinical crazy.
Why Old Knowledge Is Creepy
The Phoenix is the bird of Fire (I am a closet pyro. I set shit on fire all the time. I burn matches just so I can smell the sulfur)
The Phoenix is a cross between an Eagle and a Peacock (My favorite animal is the Harpy Eagle and I love the peacock's tail, just not the colors)
The Phoenix's counterpart in almost every culture it's present in is the Dragon (Chrystian has an affinity for Dragons)
The Phoenix is the symbol for reincarnation (Of which I am a firm believer)
The Phoenix sets its self on fire and is reborn from the ashes (My family's motto and I often say/ use the tag line "[I am] born of the Phoenix)
Why New Research Is Creepy
Original tales of the Phoenix tell of how it's plumage was purple red/ or fuchsia (My favorite color is purple, the Phoenix on my back is purple. My favorite color runner ups are black red and fuchsia)
It originates from the Middle East (Despite the fact I'm no fan of the wars there nor am I Muslim, I am a HUGE fan of Arabic culture, the colors, the food, the music, etc.)
It can become a person (AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!)(The single most frightening bit of information)
Now, is it entirely possible that there are outside forces controlling our lives and placing tools and information in front of us that we are supposed to use to prepare ourselves, pushing us to some ultimate goal that we have no control over, and somehow all the information given to us is just meant to soften the blow when the time comes for us to learn what our purpose is, what we really are?
Is so, am I really the Phoenix, in human form? All of my preferences, all the odd information, everything that I'm drawn to and that as been put before me, has it been put there so the day I become the Phoenix, am forced to assume the role of a creature of such immense power, that I don't become crazy and can somehow except my destiny with as little resistance as possible?
On that train of thought, it would be entirely possible that I was the Phoenix in my past life/ lives. That I was the one responsible for taking the souls of the dearly departed and transferring them to new bodies. To be born again myself ever 500/1000 years. Something terrible could've happened and somehow I wound up being born to a human mother, in human form.
No. I'm not the Phoenix. Magic isn't real and even if this was possible. I wouldn't be the only who this was happening to. I wouldn't be the only person to become/ BE such a powerful creature. I wouldn't be the only one to notice the signs the universe was dropping in my lap. Just like Chrystian is not the Dragon, the counterpart to the Phoenix, nor is anyone else any other being in human form. Someone else would've assumed their role, it would've gone public in this day and age and people would think magic was real. It's not. None of this is.
However, even with that doubt in my mind, that earthly reassurance that I'm just imagining all this, I'm still frightened. The dots are turning into lines and the lines are turning into pictures and I'm scared. I don't want this to be true and I hope like hell I'm just being over-dramatic or that I'm finally and officially losing my mind.
So recently I've had a bit of a mental breakdown. There was much crying and desperately trying not to call the people in my phone book I figured would be comforting. In the midst of this my mother confided in me, that despite the fact she desperately prayed that neither Lindsay nor I would be affected by our family's mental illness, that I may have a severe condition and should seek medical help. She told me I should try antidepressants, ergo I'm clinically depressed. Which is odd, considering my whole life I recall my parents saying depression was an emotion and not something that needed medical attention.
This means many things. One, that my mother was so desperate to shield my sister and I from mental illness that she denied a true medical condition in the hopes that we'd dismiss it. Two, that I might have just truly scared my mom and her fear for my well being has forced her to retract her own beliefs so that I might be the child she once knew me as again. You see, I was apparently an incredibly happy child. Not that I remember any of this, I can hardly remember any of my 7th grade year, much less before then. At the age of three, my aunt offered me Nightmare Before Christmas toys to play with at her house (its been my favorite movie of all time for as long as I can remember) and I asked her for something "a little bit happier". However, when I hit puberty, my mood flipped. To my parents, I've been sullen and withdrawn ever since.
Now here is the real problem I've been having since this news. Am I really depressed? If so, what can I do about it? If I am, I know why I am. However, I can't expect anyone in my life to step up to the plate and try and help me feel better. That is if I had anyone who would be willing or would even know how to do that for me. I must be the one to get out of this. my dog deserves someone who wants to play with him and my cat deserves someone who wants to cuddle her outside of when I'm trying to go to sleep. What am I to do?
My options are vaguely limited. I can go to the doctor, get antidepressants and see if they help any. Or, I can keep going on and pray it gets better. Perhaps I can run away. Chrystian would get Charlie and Dixie, he'd like that. He'd also get all my financial assets. That'd ease some of my troubles. I would no longer be a burden on my parents, whose house I'm living in and resources I'm using. Lindsay and Ryan would get my parents full undivided attention (not like they don't already) . I run away, everyone might be better off. I can go somewhere where no ones knows who I am and start over. However, it's the least likely of all my options.
I'm just not sure what to do. I'm scared of the thought of getting diagnosed with clinical depression, it'll be something that will alway be on my records. I will always have to take anti-depressants every day for the rest of the foreseeable future. I may not have any other option. I can't live like this. I'm not myself anymore. I'm not even the woman I was months ago. This isn't fair to my loved ones or myself... I just wish I wasn't so scared and I had someone who knew what to do...
This is me pretty much just venting, so please don't read too much into this or take me at all seriously.
The last few days have just been awful. So awful in fact, i feel terrihle. God awful terrible, to the point I've become heartsick. Does anyone know what heartsick is? Hardly, so let me fill you in. My heart keeps pounding. Hard. Like i've just run a marathon, which I haven't. Even when my heart is only at, say 76 bpm, its still pounding. I can feel it through my chest. And it hurts. God does it hurt. Like an awful restricting pain. I'm sure if I popped my chest open I'd find one of these God awful people whom I can't f**king stand right now with their greedy awful fist wrapped around my heart tightly. That's exactly what it feels like. Every so often I feel it leap into my throat, like it's trying to escape but someone else's nasty hand grabs it and drags it back down. The pounding and the pain are making me nausea and so. so angry. At everyone. At everyone I can't trust and can't stand and can't believe would do this to me. Which is virtually everyone right now.
I refuse to go into details. If I did there might be a high likely hood that someone would find this and another damn fight will break out. So F**k details. Just know shit got real, way to fast this week.
So long and short of it, I'm heartsick. I can't trust anyone anymore, no one deserves it and no one is intelligent enough to figure out how to get my trust back. Thanks. You say you love me, some of you have known me virtually my whole life. And you can't figure out how to make me trust you? Awesome. I can see how great of a family member/friend you are. You say you're only out to make me happy/ protect me? Then why the hell yell at me? Why the hell just not talk like an adult? Why don't you just pull at my heartstrings instead of attacking me? Clearly no one pays attention. Clearly everyone is out for their own god damn selves. And it makes me so angry... So angry I can't hardly see most of the time...
Things are only getting worse... the pressure cooker is getting more toxic, my health is rapidly declining and my number of friends are getting fewer and fewer...
Currently, I'm trying to find a way to make the heartsickness go away. I'm contemplating Xanax, or other forms of drugs that affect your mood. I can be a zombie, I don't need to be happy/angry/sad when I'm at work or with any of the heathens that can't figure out why I can't trust them/ how to get my trust back. Or I'm playing with the idea of popping open my chest and cutting out the ticker. Can't be heartsick if you don't have a heart...
So a few days ago, Chrystian proposed to me. I think. It had been a long day for both of us, emotionally and physically. It's hard to know what his mood is like when I can't speak with him over the phone or I'm not there in person to watch his body language. Text messages leave so much room for error. We'd been playing this game, the Question Game. He suddenly asks if I want to get married. Of course I do. But not if there is a possibility that there will be a divorce. I don't want that. Ever. My parents (Mom and Jen) are still together 16 years after they met. I want that, the old time love that lasts forever. I pray for that and used to search low and high for it as a kid. Now that I seem to have it, I'm not quite sure if I'm that love to him.
I know he loves me. He puts up with my crazy, my mood and my bullshit. I know there is a lot of it. But he can be so... words aren't exactly his thing. Especially not to me. Especially not over text messages.
So now we're engaged and I truly do hope he is as excited as I am. In a year and a half exactly, I will hopefully be Mrs. Hayley W@#%^ns. I know I will be doing what I need to on my part, but I don't know about Chrystian. He hasn't really said much about it other than "Why not". That's not exactly reassuring... Not exactly what I want to hear coming from a man who has given the impression he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. "Why not" is exactly why not. He's never been good with words and I'm scared that this was just some sort of spur of the moment thing to make me happy, some idea that launched into his head after an extremely stressful day. I hope not. But it wasn't really romantic, but he's also just not romantic. I'm never quite sure where I stand with him.
So for the last few days I've been compiling ideas, numbers and figures and plans for this wedding that will take place in 18 months. He hasn't really said anything about it except he doesn't want to talk about it unless he's in person. I'm far too excited to keep this to myself, to not tell another soul and plan all by myself. I understand that it probably isn't his "scene" but it's his wedding too and if he's like me and isn't one for divorce, it will be his only wedding. This should be special for him too. This should have as much of him in it as it will have of me.
I'm pretty sure that he's ok with the color scheme. It's not a frou frou girly theme. Black, white, red and silver. However, I do need his opinion. On like everything. Are the glasses too girly? Does he like the wood accents? Who will his Best Man be, the Groomsmen? Who is on his guest list? Will it clash with mine? Will there be fight about the guest list and if so, over who? Is he willing to take dance lessons with me for our first dance? These aren't things I can plan for, not without him. I'm not even sure he likes the same wedding/engagement rings I do.
This isn't just my day. It's his. I hope he knows that and will help soon. The stress is already getting to be tough.