So I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.
I've always known I was a tad bit off. Just not like this. Ever since I was a little girl, I've had a really vivid imagination and very rarely, dreams that I would forget when I woke only to remember them again when I'm doing exactly what I'd dreamt of. I don't claim clairvoyance nor am I any kind of psychic. Shit's just got way too creepy lately.
As many of you know, I am enamoured with the Phoenix. Have been since I was a little girl. It is my heritage, it is my family, my way of life. All my life, I've only known the basics: the Phoenix is the Fire Bird, the symbol of rebirth and reincarnation. It is in Greek mythology and every 500/1000 years it would build a pyre and set itself on fire to be born anew for the ashes. To me, the Phoenix is on my family's coat of arms and its visage is tattooed on my back. Prompted by a series of odd coincidences, I did a little extra research.
New Research
- Original tales of the Phoenix tell of how its plumage was purple red. (i.e. purple with red or Fuchsia [fuchsia and phoenix both have the same Greek bases meaning purple-red])
- It originates from the Middle East. (It travels around those areas, going as far as Greece and Egypt)
- It could become a person.
Before I get into how that creeps me out or why, let me explain the events leading up to why I decided to do the research. So again, I've always had some odd dreams, some that would later occur in my waking life. A few weeks ago, I thought I found the House. I spoke if this house in the last installment of the ICs. When I saw what I think might be the House up in the city, my heart began to race and I felt sick. I couldn't take my eyes off of it as we drove past. Four stories surrounded by trees. I haven't seen it since. I don't think I could find it again if I tried to.
Then, less than a week later, I'm with some friends and we drive back up to the city; to drop off a friend of theirs at his house. It isn't until I get a good look at the side of the house that I feel sick again. I recognize this house. Years ago, I had a dream about this house. About the gravel driveway with its steep downward slope, the dark presence looking for me, and the large concrete drainage tunnel in the backyard, littered with children's Easter eggs. Horrified, I mention that I recognize the house and why. I didn't leave the car at all, not even to say hello to the man's five year old daughter as he brought her outside to say hello to my friends. I begged one of them to not ask about the backyard. He did anyway. Yes, there is a large drainage tunnel in the backyard. I've never been to that house before in my life.
Now very recently, I've been having dreams of the Greek gods and of a young man, who is around my age, named Argopilaetes. Pronounced ar-go-pi-late-ees. His name does not exist anywhere else. I've tried Google, Bing, etc. I can't find anything. However, the same was true when I was a little girl and had a dream about the word RECISION carved on the inside of my left arm as another woman in the dream yelled Reincarnation. I could't find anything online or in dictionaries for years until I was in high school. Reincarnation essentially means rebirth and Recision means abortion or cancellation. I may find out years later who Argopilaetes is. However, in my dreams he is the son of Zeus and he is dying. Usually a dream like this wouldn't bother me. Unfortunately, dreams of the gods and of the boy keep occurring, never the same dreams though. This is odd for me. The only dreams I've ever had reoccur are the ones of the House. The ones of Chrystian/ Kamon.
To add to the weirdness, there are no interpretations for dreams of Greek gods. I know they're just dreams, but they keep happening and often I use dream interpretations to give me an idea of why I may be having the dreams. For this there are none. To make matters worse. The day after the first dream, I ran across and bought a new book. By this time I had completely forgotten the first dream and disregarded it entirely. The book is Enslaved by Elisabeth Naughton. It is about a group of guardians chosen by Zeus to defend the humans from demons. It delves heavily into Greek mythology and of the Gods. Particularly the children of Zeus.
Still, by this point I'm not entirely creeped out yet. I've always been a fan of mythology. I am almost an expert in regards to fairy/faerie folklore as it is. My belief in those beings is by far stronger than any belief I may have in a god/gods. So in pursuit of more knowledge, I do some research on some of the myths that are present in the book. About Melinoe, the Horae, etc. This is where my brain tells me to look up another Greek myth, the Phoenix. Now I'm losing my marbles.
As aforementioned, just like with the odd dreams that occur in my day life, I've always had a real vivid imagination. Although I had no imaginary friends growing up, I did daydream about my life in other worlds, fantastic places where magic was real and I could be everything I'm not in real life. I've done this all my life. As I got older, I quit acting them out with my childhood friends and began to listen to music and pace in my room, daydreaming. Often times I would write books about these fantasies. Only one has ever been finished, not published. I always let my imagination take me somewhere else, morph the worlds anew, the old story finished but not forgotten. Who I was in my fantasies always changed, grew and grew more powerful. The most recent and longest running daydreams have been of the Phoenix. How I'm the Phoenix.
This isn't true in anyway. At least I hope not. The fantasy is nice but I'd prefer to keep it that way. A fantasy. But as I've said before my life has gotten awful creepy and this research made me sick and afraid and I feel crazy. Clinical crazy.
Why Old Knowledge Is Creepy
- The Phoenix is the bird of Fire (I am a closet pyro. I set shit on fire all the time. I burn matches just so I can smell the sulfur)
- The Phoenix is a cross between an Eagle and a Peacock (My favorite animal is the Harpy Eagle and I love the peacock's tail, just not the colors)
- The Phoenix's counterpart in almost every culture it's present in is the Dragon (Chrystian has an affinity for Dragons)
- The Phoenix is the symbol for reincarnation (Of which I am a firm believer)
- The Phoenix sets its self on fire and is reborn from the ashes (My family's motto and I often say/ use the tag line "[I am] born of the Phoenix)
Why New Research Is Creepy
- Original tales of the Phoenix tell of how it's plumage was purple red/ or fuchsia (My favorite color is purple, the Phoenix on my back is purple. My favorite color runner ups are black red and fuchsia)
- It originates from the Middle East (Despite the fact I'm no fan of the wars there nor am I Muslim, I am a HUGE fan of Arabic culture, the colors, the food, the music, etc.)
- It can become a person (AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!)(The single most frightening bit of information)
Now, is it entirely possible that there are outside forces controlling our lives and placing tools and information in front of us that we are supposed to use to prepare ourselves, pushing us to some ultimate goal that we have no control over, and somehow all the information given to us is just meant to soften the blow when the time comes for us to learn what our purpose is, what we really are?
Is so, am I really the Phoenix, in human form? All of my preferences, all the odd information, everything that I'm drawn to and that as been put before me, has it been put there so the day I become the Phoenix, am forced to assume the role of a creature of such immense power, that I don't become crazy and can somehow except my destiny with as little resistance as possible?
On that train of thought, it would be entirely possible that I was the Phoenix in my past life/ lives. That I was the one responsible for taking the souls of the dearly departed and transferring them to new bodies. To be born again myself ever 500/1000 years. Something terrible could've happened and somehow I wound up being born to a human mother, in human form.
No. I'm not the Phoenix. Magic isn't real and even if this was possible. I wouldn't be the only who this was happening to. I wouldn't be the only person to become/ BE such a powerful creature. I wouldn't be the only one to notice the signs the universe was dropping in my lap. Just like Chrystian is not the Dragon, the counterpart to the Phoenix, nor is anyone else any other being in human form. Someone else would've assumed their role, it would've gone public in this day and age and people would think magic was real. It's not. None of this is.
However, even with that doubt in my mind, that earthly reassurance that I'm just imagining all this, I'm still frightened. The dots are turning into lines and the lines are turning into pictures and I'm scared. I don't want this to be true and I hope like hell I'm just being over-dramatic or that I'm finally and officially losing my mind.
I've fantasized about being the Phoenix.
I'm terrified of it being true.
